image is everything in this town

if i can play any role in the movie in my mind i think i would choose to be the villain because then i could really understand.. or actually probably not even understand at all -- what it actually is that makes compulsive liars so dangerous it must be that they don't even realize they are lying at all. and even if they do realize it it is almost convincing enough that they start to believe their own lies - and then this falsified figure, premeditated image and convoluted creation appears real - and the fine line between what seems yes or no (and magical realism) completely wipes off the white board. don't even have to lick yer fingers just swipe digits across the smooth surface and you wouldn't even know fabricated ph(f)rases plagued the blank board- - - i feel a little tired - - whenever there's nothing to comment about let's talk about how tired we are. i'm so tired. i'm tired. ahh im soo tired. im a little tired.  i'm just tired.  why am i so tired?

i am not fucking tired. i am more awake than enlightened siddhartha - i am wide awake. i am wired. i drank starbucks... remember when $3.25 was a paperback not a cup of coffee? well, i don't  --  starbs replaced a used book store and all we have to compensate are coin quotes on the back of cups, but not during holiday seasons when christmas cheer trumps creativity -- iiiii loveeeeeee me a sfvanillatte anyway - hippo.crit. - haaaayyyyyyyy stoppp thaaaat. i love you guys.

--///--/----///---animals in the laundry room-----

he takes his time when doing his laundry like every day he will linger longer and check his watch and open every dryer and wait for it- it what is it- he doesn't know what it is- but lets say it is a friend- a friend named ben and ben is a bug- the bug lands on the window smack but no he isn’t dead- ben the bug with the laundry boy and together they don't talk- presence in the silence comforts them both like THERE IS AN ANIMAL IN MY HOUSE just roaming around lily the dog she roams around my house like the bug roams around the laundry room just like that roaming sniffing peeing biting sleeping snoring farting scratching itching rolling stretching eating rubbing smelling washing licking cuddling ANIMAL just roaming the house in and out of rooms that I walk in an out of  - there she is my little puppy dog just an animal in the house- it's a dogs life- she has a little noggin with a little brain little eyes and a little tummy with food in it and she thinks little thoughts and makes little decisions just like we do- she can understand  the wavelength of emotion pulsing through the house like an underlying baseline- someone is sick she knows where to go- right there side by side sickling in bed nuzzling her furry little head into the curves of your body, like force fitting a puzzle but finding out it was the right piece after all- and she crawls in and out of your piles of clothing and even though she smells sometimes she is just so cute you can bear to leave the new silk dress under her nose so as not to disturb her repose- and then when it is happy time the ball jingles honesty COME PLAY WITH ME and ignorance is tempting when the TV is on or the phone rings or your stomach grumbles but pets win you over with their wet noses and there you are on all fours as well rolling a jingley ball and for a second you forget it all like, wow here I am with my puppy rolling balls back and forth and were both on the ground and were both making noise and were both running around and were both playing with toys and it is there- just like that- the epiphany- there is an animal in my house-and I am an animal too.

backwords, backwoods, backwards

give your eyes the attention they deserve.

be a guru.

moisturize your elbows.

if you try it, commit no matter what.

choose the selfish option sometimes.

hope harder than you doubt.

don't go outside without a coat in winter.

shove tissues in your sleeves.

put a pair of socks in your purse for prom.

don't seriously shop alone.

do yoga - ohm three times fully at the end.

don't buy tuna sandwiches at gas stations.

eat the cake.

fart and walk away... but then come back and admit to it.

trust someone at a time.

keep one small secret forever.

to sleep, shut eye; to dream, middle eye.

blocks of writers

i have the opposite of writers block

actually, not the opposite

i think it may be writers block's second cousin

or maybe, in-law.

i cant stop writing poems and poems of things that don't mean enough.

i want to move

you

to 

tears.

but instead i move my fingers over white square keys until my heart shits a comma, a verb, and a period. then i wipe it all up with lame alliterations and vomit a few rhymes.

SICK AS SHIT.

kerouac, i need a muse.

BAH HUM BUG.

the writers bug - skiiiiii windham.

break starts tomorrow.

i opened my moleskine journal.

i am applying ed2 to wesleyan.

i have a concussion.

my dog pees on my carpet daily.

my mom made rum cake

with

sooooo

much

rum

in

it.

i am going to sleep.

for five minutes.

because.

yer not supposed to sleep when you hazzz a concussssh.

bleep.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!

snow day.

hesitation is the essence of ...

i am scared to open my moleskin journal.

my very very very dear friend danielle gave it to me for my 18th birthday... and it is beautiful. i look at it every day, run my fingers over its smooth plastic wrapping and gently touch the spot on the back where the plastic peeled over a little bit - the moleskin journal is revealed. i want to rip off the plastic and scribble all over it but i restrain myself. when the time is right i will write my first entry - but the time hasn't been right yet. boooooo.

i cant wait!

also,

winter break sounds nice right about now.

in yoga tonight my instructor told me i have a strong lower back because i can lift my legs really high.

that should benefit my lifestyle somehow.

she is my favorite, jennifer.

what a pleasant person.

i want a roommate like that when i attend dunkindonuts2013.

haha.

good night, more later.

xxx

limitless

i wonder what jack kerouac was like in casual conversation

because

written and spoken words must parallel

and i know that my conversations with people, like julia and danielle and phoebe and tess and jaimie and maggie and lindy and amna and ricky and willie and jake and dan and jared and nick and karl and kevin and blake and ryan and pretty much some real people it seems like snip-its could be material for jack. jack jack cadillac kerouac and i am sitting on my couch watching tv next to my sister- but the thing is i just watched 3 consecutive commercials that didn't bother to shy away from the fact that they were about sex - sex sells - sex is everywhere - universal taboo universal marketing tool universal desire universalllllllllll it's like no matter WHAT kind of person you are, if you are a person, you are an animal with an immune system with hormones with sexual attractions with intense wants/needs and eventually-even if you spend your life dedicated to something serious and lonely or a profession like i dont even know, anything like whatever race or however much money or any grades or basically limitless differences all vanish in an embarrassing truth that animalistic sexual tendencies are inherent -------------this is what happens when you write bottomless from the bottom up---------and use madness to reveal a truth, use sanity to recognize that truth, use creativity to document its truth and use art to express one truth: universal. 

mental match

there are so many people who are

full of useless information-

or useful information that seems useless-

but useless information serves a purpose, to be useful for people

who are full of it.

self-transformation dates back to

creation! and people think they are sooooo innovative and insightful and creative and interesting and wonderful and beautiful when they come to the realization that they, in fact, are realizing something about themselves and the world - well, the truth is that yes, you are wonderful beautiful special creative insightful and interesting.. but also human.  and as much as i don't agree with warren miller, who says something along the lines of "you are unique just like everybody else," it holds true in a positive sense.  being unique is very common even though not everyone is unique.  but if one believes everyone is unique, i still have to know that not every unique person is special.  the difference is: a person can be unique all by themselves, no help, oh so admirable from afar, idolized and praiseworthy, functional and accomplished -- but no one can be special without changing and affecting, idolizing someone else, touching, feeling, thinking, listening, existing through the mind of, seeing through the eyes of, hurting, exchanging, and sharing with others.

apocalypse 2012

if the mayan calendar proves legitimate

facebook statii (sp?) statuses (yep.)

across the nation will be rendered obsolete.

ahem.

i made a mistake - and i'm paying the price.

it

costs

so much time!

and a few tears.

but - in return/repentance/recuperation 

i get the opportunity to

adapt&excel?

find a better fit, a more deserving home

i see that i'm not at all the same girl i was in april

i don't want the same school as i did then

or boy,

or some friends,

and i have different interests

and goals

and friends

and boy.s.

new beginnings become more desirable when we have to work harder to desire them. i make sense to myself... and that is all that matters, for now.

anyway, my Bubby (grandma) says i'll come out on top, and she's never wrong.

spontaneous prose... tears

overflowing emotions

i wasn't ready for you

yet.

not yet.

not tomorrow either.

today after school there was a Runes (the literary mag at my school) poetry slam and it was reeeeeaaallllyy just, fun. and well also intense. one boy played the guitar and sang a song he wrote about last year, and a girl, and seasons, and i just lost it. tears fell like this shitty weather outside... no reason? no, plenty of reasons but that was just unexpected. i'm feeling a little gloomy, the weather doesn't help, but this week has been such a series of highs and lows i am actually just... tired. exhausted. simply beat.  i hear from my ed school tomorrow at 3pm. no biggie. that is both sarcastic and serious, simultaneously.  yoga at 8 tonight. good nights sleeeep. tgif? weird.

okay.

more later. possibly.

what you laffffffin about?!

here's a quickie:

my mother introduced me to pootie tang humor.

anddd its hilaaaarious.

wah-tah-dah.

its julia and lizzy's birfdays tomorrow!!!!!

i have lots of prepping/shopping to do.

ohboy

pretty soon, if i ever get some tiiiiime that i don't choose to waste, i will begin ranting excessively on here about whatever i find is important. 

but i mean obscure, back of the mind (but not depressing) thoughts

and also free-write/stream of consciousness/things from the summer/whatever i want and expressing it truly/hi.

i am going to the gym.

to sweat.

and laugh.

with people i like.

yes.yes.yes.yes.yes.yes.

spoonage.

isn't it curious how

we are made

to fit like spoons?

big spoon, little spoon.

wanna spoon?

let's spoon.

i know you want a wallet size...

so 

i 

love

people

who try really hard to be obnoxious and therefore noticed.

very cool --

this weeekend was funnnnnnnzo

i expected absolutely nothing out of it.. just some college essays and some intense days of teaching little children how to ski BUT i was surpriseddd with a crazy ass saturday night.

soo i went up to windham mountain (my ski house) friday night.. drove up with mah sistah jennah... which is always nice. and thennnn we made spaghetti and i went to sleep.. saturday was the first day of the freestyle program this season soo i had a good day of coaching kiddies and catching up with friends ie. jessa

then i came home and wrote an essay.

and then

i got dropped off at hunter where i met up with danielle, mady, sabrina, jon and richie for a crazy night of screwdrivers, beyonce, olga, smelly shirts, bonfires, lebonpenoa!? (sister), jumping in elevators, anddd oh, just being young again. HA

iiiiiiiiii LOVEEEEEE finding new "real" people. like actual humans with feelings and a grasp on thingss. i also love adidas pants.

write more later. i am le'tired.

emancipation proclamation nation station

right now i am sitting in starbs with danielle

these are the things that made me laugh today:

during my free period after lunch tess and i sat in her car, parked in the senior lot, for 58 minutes and shared a bagel, talked, and eventually the conversation led to none other than the promiscuous... we came to the conclusion that whipped cream and kitchen counters are the most memorable times. oh and also thoughts like "WHAT INSPIRED ME TO DO THAT?!" are hilarious after the fact... if you understand what i am saying kudos.. if you don't get out of my fucking car.

danielle told me that her mother advised her to get married and then promptly divorced so she could live as an "independent" and go to college for free because her spouse doesn't work a job and she is only 17.

as a side note, her math notes say:

"I don't wanna be here. I just wanna dance!"

danielle is looking at herself via video chat.

now we are video chatting and sitting next to each other

laughing hysterically

this is weird.

also um

i cant wait to hear from colllllllllege.

gimme a rejection or an acceptance and i'll be happy.

defer me and i'll shit a brick.

okay, bye for now.

i'm a nut, you're a nut, hamlet's a nut, we're all NUTS!

i almost hit another squirrel today.

i say another because i hit a squirrel in september.

that was a somber time.

here's what happened...

i was driving home from a nice afternoon of walking along the pier, writing poems, and finishing up some college supplementals... i was feeling good, blasting some tunes (hahah my crazy rihanna and fresh 102.7 radio station presets)... and suddenly i saw a squirrel stop at the double yellow lines in the middle of the road. i stopped and waited for the squirrel to cross, but it remained frozen still at the lines. then, right when i hit the gas it proceeded simultaneously and SPLAT. goodbye dear squirrel friend.

no joke, i cried the entire drive home while Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" blasted through my prius speakers.  now i am a designated creature killer, despite my efforts to save his little life.

soooooo immune systems

THIS IS MY RAMBLE PAGE!

welcome.

now that i am well into my senior year.. and waiting for imminent decisionssss from universities in the northeast/midwest.. i have some time to write about my life so that i can reminisce on its level of ridiculousness, the overwhelming coincidences, and well i dont know.. the gooooood times because i am on the verge of beginning a difffferent stage of life. or something like that.

anyway...

every tuesday afternoon i catch the 3:05 bus to newyorkcity, get off at port authority and walk a few blocks to a small awning next to a GNC where i ring a bell that buzzes me into the building... then i press the UP button for the elevator and when it arrives and opens i have to press a doorbell, once, so that the 6th floor is notified of my arrival.  it then unlocks the elevator track which carries me up to the 6th floor, without pressing the 6 button, and there i enter Young Playwrights Inc. headquarters for my weekly playwriting class.  i am not alone.  my friend danielle, whom i have become very close with this year (because we take printmaking and photog. in school together, along with kerien and julia.. the four of us blab about anything and everything for 58 minutes 4/5 days a week) takes the class with me.. and thank god for small favors because i would have no one else to laugh with...  the bus rides to and from new york are entertaining as all hell.. and so are the walks. and the talks. and the class in general. and the plays we see. and the free shitty pizza we get, but dont eat. 

oooook besides all that... this week we had a discussion on the bus ride in about this theory that people, who are essentially animals, have INTENSE attractions to eachother via extremely overwhelmingly powerful chemistry as a result of their opposite immune systems.  because these immune systems are so opposite, the child between the boy and girl would be veryyy healthy - the attraction is strong because a healthy baby is obviously the most desirable kind.. and soooo these two people cant keep their hands off each other because their immune systems are meant to combine in reproducing a healthy child.

okay idk if that makes any sense in the way i described it.. but i believe that shit~!!

intense.

connections.

are everywhere.

and so are babies.