take a walk down

memory lane can be a wonderful place.
i read my blog posts from a while back and i think i used to be a lot more contemplative on the surface than i am now. what i meaaannnn by that is i made it really obvious that i was always thinking about something peculiar or interesting or even ordinary -- but i communicated whatever it was.. often.
im so much more internal, partially because i dont have friends like julia jen and danielle etc to listen to me rahrahrahhhh on and on.. but also i think i push those thoughts away to just be.
i miss those crazy thoughts
i cant tell if i am happier now or then
i feel a little dumber actually.

i miss english class.

night one

the first night here in montreal (first official night that i stayed in rez) the dorm was meeting in the lobby around 915 to go to Les Saint Sulpice- a hugeeee bar in the what i believe is the latin quarter of montreal i could be totally wrong but thats what our cab driver, francois, told us.. anyway my roommate and i - still newly acquianted - had a beer or two, both lightweights, and headed over to the bar in a huge mob of froshies. unfortunately it was downpouring and we couldnt tolerate it anymore so we stopped at prviigo, the supermarket, to get an umbrella which was $11 btw wtf and a shitty one too.. anyway we lost the group and ended up in a much smaller crew of about 5 people and we somehow found our way to the bar and they were checking id's .. my roommate forgot her id. sooooooo we cabbed back to the dorm (thats when we met franciois who told us all about what a great city montreal is) and we got her id, peed, and went back to the bar - we got a few drinks - rum and coke - and mingled a bit - odd first night wanderings.. mimi, my roomie, and i tried to get a group of kids to buy us tequila shots but they were too drunk to notice our attempt- there was a special at the bar on mohito shots so we got those and we were foreal robbed - it was basically a shot of a mohito drink, aduh, so it went down like juice and didnt fuck us up at all - hahaha woops. anyway we met some kids - matthew from toronto and political debates with david and liver cancer lying tyler. . we somehow found our way back home and that was that. night one in montreal.

frosh

mmmk i dont have the stamina to handwrite in my journal
soooo
here goes
COLLEGE:
i cant believe im finally here in Montreal at McGill .. living in new rez floor 2 room 230/232! with Mimi from Toronto.

My parents and i drove up to montreal friday night and arrived around midnight - it was an eventful trip. we got a flat tire somewhere in east bumblefuck north north new york - it was extremely sketchy but we survived. we slept in the hotel and woke up around 9, had a nice buffet breakfast and changed the tire of our car - that ordeal took about an hour and there was a nail stuck right in it.. veird. once we finished the manual labor we headed over to my dorm and moved in. no, not dorm... hotel. my residence is a converted hotel... i was supposed to share a room with a roommate but when i opened the door i only saw one bed... but then my mother walks through a small hallway to the left and oila! another room - soooo it turns out my roommate and i lucked out really hard and got the only room on our floor that is adjoining rooms.. what whatt?! theyre both luxuriously large and decently furnished... the windows dont open though and our views are shit. but the double bed is heaven - honestly who goes away to college and gets a bigger bed than the one at home? i've never had so much rolling space, i kinda dont know what to do with it all. i feel like i am on vacation for an entire year. the private bathrooms fa sho a plus. after moving in we walked over about 5 blocks to campus and i got my student id - later we went out to dinner at a nice french restaurant and my parents and i had wine with our meals - being legal is a beautiful thing. i stayed in their hotel that night also - the next day we got up and i got a new phone - canada cell phone plans are balls! everything mad expensive and shitty quality. booo. we did some shopping and then went to a meeting at the school - walked around the city, got lunch and then they dropped me off at my dorm and they left me.

i dont know how to describe that feeling.
standing in the doorway of my room, looking at my new living space, parents gone and home so far away. hollllyyyy shiiiiiitttttttt - so i started distracting myself by hanging things on the wall and organizing all of my shit and moving things around to make it cozier. i still need a beanbag chair, more pillows and another lamp. and a little rug. and more posters.

things i need to write more about later:
-Les Saint Sulpice
-BDP
-Arts Frosh
-Pub Crawl
-Predrink
-Club 1234
-Boat Cruise
-Altitude 737
-Inglorious Basterds
-Les Saint Sulpice II

i believe that is it so far..
im just toooo wasted to keep going right now
also it has been one week and i'm already sick
woohooooo

more later.
xxx

m&d

its really really hard for parents to be so selfless because there really isnt much of a difference between parent and child 

except parent has to put child BEFORE them

..because as children all we do is think about 

OUR LIVES OUR LIVES OUR LIVES OUR FUTURES ETCETC 

but seriously its not like our parents lives just stop when ours starts

there must be something called 

empty nest depression 

when parents lose a sense of life. 

and getting old is a bitch and being alone is bitchier.

i need a prom date

oh, look what i found

a free write from september 16th, 2008.

that's my friend phoebe's birthday!

here it goes:

"whattup college & purple nail polish during TRIG i, stare blankly at the white board, white board, black board, bored. it's chilly the hum of a/c blocks busy voices, so strange being immersed in thought in a place where i'm usually immersed in thought? sense, bite my nail, tap my toe, free next, free now, free eternally - - squeak shoes, clack shoes, cough twitch itch. bell rings and i leave... no, i'm already so gone."

look what else i found... 

"General Instructions with Exit" from the hospital

FRACTURE: COCCYX

The coccyx ("tail bone") is located at the lower end of your spine.  It is possible to fracture this bone when you fall and land in a seated position.  This injury takes about four weeks to heal.  Until then, it will be painful to sit and have bowel movements.

yay! what a year!

i can't wait fer kawlidge. lolz. okay bye.

ps. i'm serious... i need a prom date

cannneyegetta hellyeah

spring break

sun

sunglasses

skin

skinny 

sand

sandals

movies and books

foods and shnooks

making up words

making memories

making blueberry pie

making out

making love

making art

sweating outside

bodies of water

bodies

water

planes, cars, bikes, legs

transportation 

exploration

deviation

interpretation

expectation

experimentation

tion tion tion

yes.

art is hard

because if it weren't everyone would create it

and everyone would be an artist

because artists are in tune with the undertones

in the natural world.

art is hard on the person who is creating it

because not knowing if what you produce or perform is actually

a work of art

unless someone tells you, 

yes it is beautiful

yes it is insightful

yes it makes me feel

yes it provokes thought

this seems as if it is the only justification of its value

but this is not the right way to measure its greatness

or

is there really a right way?

so long as you still produce and perform

with equal intentions to create

art .

things i need to write about

stratton trip

latitude 42 competition

the snow day

prom plans

the principle

this summer

hundreds of fluffy white puppies

consequences

spring break plans

welcome to vermont, leave your wallet at home.

hello, there.

let me introduce you to a new and improved technique of the classic favorite, "shmoozing." now, this is unlike anything you have ever experienced and/or witnessed before in your life.  this is an art form.  this is serious business. this is leverizing in accordance with the grachinator.

 

v. to leverize, to gratchinate

n. the leverizor, gratchinator

ex. "That family of three totally leverized Stratton Mountain this week; They got upgrades, perks, packages, deals, a table by the window, coke no ice, $40 rib eye,  cake to go and 3 free breakfasts for being jewish."

definition.

step 1. there are no organized steps.

- plans must be made hastily and in minimal time frames

- the last minute is the only minute

- travel agent mothers are always a plus

- always know where the nearest Wachovia is located 

(and be prepared and willing to drive out of the way to get there if necessary)

- never accept no for an answer

- the customer is ALWAYS right

- don't underestimate the power of sex appeal

- posing as a family will improve the odds

- it's not rude, its assertive

- passivity and silence are your worst enemies

- if you want it, it can be yours

- if you act like it's yours, it will be yours

- be chosen

hobbies that make you happy, happy that makes you hobbies

what is happy? 

what makes you happy? 

when are you happy and why? 

who makes you happy?

-knowing oneself

-running, skiing, hiking, (etc.)

-understanding something or someone

-loving someone

-satisfaction

-gratitude

-company

...

-- that's not enough --

don't be too selective

happiness isn't key

contentment is a more reasonable and settling state of being,

never wish to live in the extremes because they are only special at intermittent times.. otherwise they would become ordinary.

-TRUE but it's just that dealing with oneself in between the extremes is so hard-

but life is the middle monotony, 

and the potential and ability to exist in the 

extreme states is what makes us feel 

extraordinarily human, 

connected to the universe and ourselves.

pain tolerance: ridiculous

whoever said we don't feel pain in our dreams is a liar.

actually, i don't like calling people i don't know liars... 

but i am pretty sure that statement is false.  

wait, now that i think of it maybe no one ever said that at all - - - 

the point is hurt happens even in dreams.

hurts.

sometimes i say my body hurts. my body hurts.

sometimes i say my heart hurts. my heart hurts.

those are both aches. aches. is there a difference between hurt and ache?

someone said to someone else, "i want to hurt you."

that someone was courteous to give sufficient warning.

someone thought to themselves, "i will hurt her."

that someone is an asshole.

i am not hurt, but i know what it feels like to be

to be in pain

but

but

but

what about the good hurt?

the sore you tongue over and over

the lip you bite repeatedly

the nail you press deeper and deeper into your cuticle

the bloody bed sheets

the throbbing thighs in spin class

the calloused ass from the bike seat

the over-eating stomach stretching painful fullness

the excessive coughing up a lung in a circle of friends

the never ending coughing up both lungs in a smoky vehicle

the laugh until your sides split, spline splinters, splat.

what about all that?

and the dreamland let's us feel without consequences.

is art the ultimate communicator

art is

can it last longer than forever?

temporary decisions that affect all but no one

bounce off the walls of the world wide web and fall

into space, cyberspace, my space, your space

outer space is an unaswerable question but at least it makes you think

longer

than

just

google it, first result, wiki-what? wiki-world.

so sit in a theater seat long after the audience clears the aisles

the lights come on, the movie reels 

and you

what?

you

feel art.

the answer

so, instead of constantly striving to better ourselves it is really really really important to be grateful... gratitude is so important... and every little thing, from the socks on your feet to the sleep dust in your eyes to the food in the fridge and roof on your house and car in the driveway and legs on your body.. etc etc etc is something to be happy about - and its more important to be sure that in the worst shittiest situation you are the best version of shitty you can be.. because as much as you try to control everything around you, external factors DO fuck things up and they can also work in your favor and you can also control how you feel but only in the now... not yesterday and not tomorrow - and it will come naturally maybe, but i could also believe it is now.. and it would be - just like that .. does that make sense?

if you're fat be FAT if you're thin be THIN if you're happy be HAPPY and if you're sad then well FUCK be fucking sad.. but try to feeeel everything the best it can be felt and move on.

and in the end you remember how you felt about yourself and your situation --

i cant say how i will feel tomorrow but i have the power to change it when i get there.

what comes from conversation

you feel like you need to reach a new level of satisfaction instead of this feeling of settling and semi-happiness?

is it even for me?

am i supposed to strive or am i supposed to create my own happiness now, as it comes?

it's like living in the now versus living for eventually, 

and i never know if eventually will really ever be now.

i don't want to feel like i am always working toward a better me,

but i want to feel like i am better every day with myself.

it's not sad or depressing,

it's just ideas for a new level of life.

on the mind

some things i have been thinking about a lot...

1. being alone

and i don't mean lonely.  being lonely and being alone are obviously very different.  i used to hate being alone.  hate hate hate. i was afraid of it.  sometimes i would have to knock on my sisters room and just sit on her floor while she spent hours on the computer.  my anxiety dissolved when i heard the reassuring taptaptap from her keyboard.  i think i got over my fear of being alone because i became my own company.  when jenna left for college i got really into my school work and fleeting hobbies like knitting and scrapbooking and looking at old camp pictures... and then i picked up more permanent ones like writing and working out and going to starbucks. i dont know where this is going but the point is i like being alone sometimes. i can tolerate being alone. i am no longer as afraid of getting lonely because.. well fuck there is so much to think about all the time and i can create characters in stories i write and feel/think/react to things by myselffffffff... and also ski. ski ski ski ski alone

2. prom

all of a sudden senior prom maddness is sweeping the hallways of fuckkkking nvd. i want to vomit. personally i think prom is one of the tackiest "pre-planned fun" events on the planet. but i am going. i can't decide if i WANT to go or not, that's the thing.  alsoooo i just wish we could be innovative and resourceful and just make it MORP and do the prom completely bassackwards and wear like.. jeans and ridiculous colors and the girls can ask the guys and --- idk. no matter what i don't want a flower on my wrist.. those are uncomfy and unnatural. and lame.  on another note, im sure prom weekend will be bomb as hell and i wont remember a thing.

3. pizza

it's great.

4. people

some of them are great, too.

5. plays

i am writing one and it's a disaster.

6. teachers

what a mystery... 

7. college

just kidding.

8. cigarettes

9. struts

by this i mean the way people walk.

gait, pace, etc.

it's really interesting

10. connections, exchanges and reactions

these reveal so much about a person...

wow.

i'm a little frustrated right now because i don't have enough time to write what i want.

one day

i will

quit "life" and for myself just

write and play

wherever 

seems like a good

play and write space

which is 

almost

everywhere.

yes and only yes.

i want to start putting pictures on here

soon...

also i have to stop saying yeah, yep, yea, ya

only yes from now on.

making weekdays weekends

converting to one 3-subject notebook, a pen, and the occasion pencil/calculator for math test days... oooh senioritis i feel you so bad

cleaning my dirty car

opening up a legit bank account with an atm card and shit

-this goes with getting paid to ski

read some books and write some books, no biggie

work up an appetite

get off my blackassberry

clean my room/closet

make some scrapbooks

also stop making so many lists all the time.

contact people who i miss very much.

get far away from any kind of complicated potential love.

see movies: button and slumdog, namely.

play WITH my DOG lily.

go to sleep.

good night.

hoorah!!scopez!!

2009!!!!!!!!!!!!

like omgz new yearz rezzies.

here is my new years resolution:

get what i want

yaa hurd?!

i feel flittery.. i dont know how to describe it

but it feels... nice?

break just ended and i am anti-anxious

i am calm and content

i am glad!

my horoscope said love will be lame until march

but for some reason i am more than okay with that...

gimme a break from pulling heartstrings i just want to ski, smoke, sleep and study

no joke! 

my horoscope also said i am going to rediscover a talent

i think it might be excelling a lotttt in the park with spins and grabs and rails

oooorrrrrrr maybe my 85-page play will turn out a masterpiece.

who knows.. but i am excited to discoverrrrr

also i dont want to socialize that much

i just want to be. here. with. myself. and. a few  good people

that's all i need

and my moleskine journal

and some coffee.

this feels

gratifying.