pain tolerance: ridiculous

whoever said we don't feel pain in our dreams is a liar.

actually, i don't like calling people i don't know liars... 

but i am pretty sure that statement is false.  

wait, now that i think of it maybe no one ever said that at all - - - 

the point is hurt happens even in dreams.

hurts.

sometimes i say my body hurts. my body hurts.

sometimes i say my heart hurts. my heart hurts.

those are both aches. aches. is there a difference between hurt and ache?

someone said to someone else, "i want to hurt you."

that someone was courteous to give sufficient warning.

someone thought to themselves, "i will hurt her."

that someone is an asshole.

i am not hurt, but i know what it feels like to be

to be in pain

but

but

but

what about the good hurt?

the sore you tongue over and over

the lip you bite repeatedly

the nail you press deeper and deeper into your cuticle

the bloody bed sheets

the throbbing thighs in spin class

the calloused ass from the bike seat

the over-eating stomach stretching painful fullness

the excessive coughing up a lung in a circle of friends

the never ending coughing up both lungs in a smoky vehicle

the laugh until your sides split, spline splinters, splat.

what about all that?

and the dreamland let's us feel without consequences.

is art the ultimate communicator

art is

can it last longer than forever?

temporary decisions that affect all but no one

bounce off the walls of the world wide web and fall

into space, cyberspace, my space, your space

outer space is an unaswerable question but at least it makes you think

longer

than

just

google it, first result, wiki-what? wiki-world.

so sit in a theater seat long after the audience clears the aisles

the lights come on, the movie reels 

and you

what?

you

feel art.

the answer

so, instead of constantly striving to better ourselves it is really really really important to be grateful... gratitude is so important... and every little thing, from the socks on your feet to the sleep dust in your eyes to the food in the fridge and roof on your house and car in the driveway and legs on your body.. etc etc etc is something to be happy about - and its more important to be sure that in the worst shittiest situation you are the best version of shitty you can be.. because as much as you try to control everything around you, external factors DO fuck things up and they can also work in your favor and you can also control how you feel but only in the now... not yesterday and not tomorrow - and it will come naturally maybe, but i could also believe it is now.. and it would be - just like that .. does that make sense?

if you're fat be FAT if you're thin be THIN if you're happy be HAPPY and if you're sad then well FUCK be fucking sad.. but try to feeeel everything the best it can be felt and move on.

and in the end you remember how you felt about yourself and your situation --

i cant say how i will feel tomorrow but i have the power to change it when i get there.

what comes from conversation

you feel like you need to reach a new level of satisfaction instead of this feeling of settling and semi-happiness?

is it even for me?

am i supposed to strive or am i supposed to create my own happiness now, as it comes?

it's like living in the now versus living for eventually, 

and i never know if eventually will really ever be now.

i don't want to feel like i am always working toward a better me,

but i want to feel like i am better every day with myself.

it's not sad or depressing,

it's just ideas for a new level of life.

on the mind

some things i have been thinking about a lot...

1. being alone

and i don't mean lonely.  being lonely and being alone are obviously very different.  i used to hate being alone.  hate hate hate. i was afraid of it.  sometimes i would have to knock on my sisters room and just sit on her floor while she spent hours on the computer.  my anxiety dissolved when i heard the reassuring taptaptap from her keyboard.  i think i got over my fear of being alone because i became my own company.  when jenna left for college i got really into my school work and fleeting hobbies like knitting and scrapbooking and looking at old camp pictures... and then i picked up more permanent ones like writing and working out and going to starbucks. i dont know where this is going but the point is i like being alone sometimes. i can tolerate being alone. i am no longer as afraid of getting lonely because.. well fuck there is so much to think about all the time and i can create characters in stories i write and feel/think/react to things by myselffffffff... and also ski. ski ski ski ski alone

2. prom

all of a sudden senior prom maddness is sweeping the hallways of fuckkkking nvd. i want to vomit. personally i think prom is one of the tackiest "pre-planned fun" events on the planet. but i am going. i can't decide if i WANT to go or not, that's the thing.  alsoooo i just wish we could be innovative and resourceful and just make it MORP and do the prom completely bassackwards and wear like.. jeans and ridiculous colors and the girls can ask the guys and --- idk. no matter what i don't want a flower on my wrist.. those are uncomfy and unnatural. and lame.  on another note, im sure prom weekend will be bomb as hell and i wont remember a thing.

3. pizza

it's great.

4. people

some of them are great, too.

5. plays

i am writing one and it's a disaster.

6. teachers

what a mystery... 

7. college

just kidding.

8. cigarettes

9. struts

by this i mean the way people walk.

gait, pace, etc.

it's really interesting

10. connections, exchanges and reactions

these reveal so much about a person...

wow.

i'm a little frustrated right now because i don't have enough time to write what i want.

one day

i will

quit "life" and for myself just

write and play

wherever 

seems like a good

play and write space

which is 

almost

everywhere.

yes and only yes.

i want to start putting pictures on here

soon...

also i have to stop saying yeah, yep, yea, ya

only yes from now on.

making weekdays weekends

converting to one 3-subject notebook, a pen, and the occasion pencil/calculator for math test days... oooh senioritis i feel you so bad

cleaning my dirty car

opening up a legit bank account with an atm card and shit

-this goes with getting paid to ski

read some books and write some books, no biggie

work up an appetite

get off my blackassberry

clean my room/closet

make some scrapbooks

also stop making so many lists all the time.

contact people who i miss very much.

get far away from any kind of complicated potential love.

see movies: button and slumdog, namely.

play WITH my DOG lily.

go to sleep.

good night.

hoorah!!scopez!!

2009!!!!!!!!!!!!

like omgz new yearz rezzies.

here is my new years resolution:

get what i want

yaa hurd?!

i feel flittery.. i dont know how to describe it

but it feels... nice?

break just ended and i am anti-anxious

i am calm and content

i am glad!

my horoscope said love will be lame until march

but for some reason i am more than okay with that...

gimme a break from pulling heartstrings i just want to ski, smoke, sleep and study

no joke! 

my horoscope also said i am going to rediscover a talent

i think it might be excelling a lotttt in the park with spins and grabs and rails

oooorrrrrrr maybe my 85-page play will turn out a masterpiece.

who knows.. but i am excited to discoverrrrr

also i dont want to socialize that much

i just want to be. here. with. myself. and. a few  good people

that's all i need

and my moleskine journal

and some coffee.

this feels

gratifying.